


the sound of your voice (and the way it says my name)

by orphan_account



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Codependency, Eddie throws up I guess I'll tag that just in case, Heartbreak, It's not explicit bc there's not smut but, M/M, Mentions of Sexual Content, Sad, alcohol abuse bc he's sad, break up fic, fucking sad, grieving a lost love, it all pure angst, just plain old sad, ok that's it no more spoilers, self harming/suicidal thoughts but he doesn't hurt himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:41:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24346675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Tears clouded his vision and he couldn’t help but think maybe this was how Richie felt like without his glasses. Eddie always remembered to grab his glasses even when he had contacts on just in case something happened. Richie couldn’t function without his glasses. One time he lost them and Eddie saw him crumble, tears ran down the man’s eyes in desperation, he looked like a child that had lost his mother in a store. He couldn’t help but wonder if Richie was his own pair of glasses, because without him he felt adrift. And that absolutely terrified him.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 6
Kudos: 33





	the sound of your voice (and the way it says my name)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, everyone! This is a sad fic about lost love and the tough aftermath of a nasty break up. Please read the tags carefully just in case anything may be upsetting or triggering to you. Again, it's sad. Also, I'd like to clarify there's no evil or good character, there isn't a villain to this story. These characters are flawed and they do things you and I may not agree with, they also do things you and I may relate to. Not everything is so logical when it comes to complicated emotions and personal growth and that's something the characters of this fic go through. There's no moral of the story, it's just a snippet of life kind of situation so keep that in mind. I hope it makes everyone cry (in a good way, I love you all <3)

It wasn’t quick or fast or easy, it didn’t find him a new and bright sense of self. He didn’t gain confidence or have some sort of realization about his life, his purpose. With the years, Richard Tozier had slowly carved a hole in Eddie’s heart. Every little gift, every thoughtful action was just another hit of the hammer against the chisel. Slow, careful and deep. He had made himself comfortable there, inside the boy’s chest, growing as time went by. It was like Eddie’s heart started to hang from the boy’s hands, the level of intimacy gained from all those years of jokes and laughs and stolen kisses only stripping him naked of any fear he had held in the back of his mind. Undeniably, he offered his heart, body and soul to a man who had convinced him would keep it safe. He would protect him against all harm and pain. And in the process, he gave up control.    
  


The only thing that kept Eddie’s mind at ease ever since he was a child was knowing. He thought knowledge made you strong, it qualified you to deal with stuff. If you knew what something entails you could figure out how to handle it, assess its needs and proceed to fix it. Make it better. Maybe that was his first mistake. Eddie slowly started realizing Richie wasn’t as transparent as he seemed.    
  
At first he thought he knew, he thought he could see the insecurities that lurked around Richie’s mind like shadows, always following suit. He thought he could help. He thought he could make it better. His incessant need to excel at everything blinded him to the reality that Richie wasn’t something he could fix. So there he sat on the floor of a room unknown to him. The four pale walls that surrounded him suffocating like the air was being pulled out of his lungs bit by bit until he lost consciousness.    
  
They say if you put a frog in a pot and slowly raise the temperature it will boil to death without uttering a sound, no struggling to survive frantically attempting to swim and climb out of the pot to safety. Eddie thought maybe he was one of those frogs. Maybe those walls were a warning of his imminent demise and not of a new shelter, warm and inviting. He didn’t know how to call this a home, his home. He missed his old apartment, the one he had lived in for the past six years, the one Richie and him had struggled every month to pay rent for, all through college. They would eat ramen every night for dinner for a week straight, much to Eddie's dismay. But it was home,  _ that _ was home. He and Richie’s bed, the one they once spent a whole entire weekend in, cuddled up in each other’s space.    
  
_ “We should shower…” The way Richie rolled his eyes at Eddie’s statement made his forehead wrinkle. The sunday morning sun shone through the blinds of their bedroom, dimly lighting up the room and showering them in a sweet sunrise orange. “I’m serious, Richard.”  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ A smirk spread across Richie’s face. “Damn, baby. My name sounds so sexy when you say it.” His hands coming up to grab Eddie’s hips pulling him closer. He had this power to make Eddie forget about everything that may be bothering him, suddenly he didn’t care about showering anymore. _ _  
  
_

_ “I like your name…” A smile grew on Eddie’s face as he reached up to brush the curls of Richie’s forehead in return. They wanted to stay like that forever, tangled in each other and losing track of time until reality became nothing but subjective. They had each other, how could they ever give something so precious as love up? _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “I’m never letting you live that down, you know that right?” Richie chuckled as his lips brushed down Eddie’s cheek, making him melt under his touch.  _ _  
_ _  
_ Eddie knew, of course he did. Because Richie was loyalty over anything else. Always kept up a promise, especially when it came to teasing Eddie. Or anything Eddie really...    
  
All those years he spent shutting the man up, and now the menacing silence of his new apartment was louder than any joke Richie could have ever told. Because he didn’t want to be here, he didn’t want to be alone. He wanted  _ his  _ Richie, the Richie he fell in love with when he was sixteen years old, maybe even younger. He remembered that first kiss like it was yesterday. The way his heart was beating out of his chest as the cold breeze that blew between the trees that afternoon at the quarry made the hair on his legs and arms stand up. He remembered the way Richie’s eyes looked, he could see that orange the sunset brought reflected on his glasses as he let smoke out of his lungs smoothly from between those chapped lips. He remembered wanting to taste them. The orange bit that lit up at the end of his cigarette every time he took a drag, the orange tint left by the settling tan on Richie’s cheekbones.    
  
_ “I think i’m in love with someone…” Eddie whispered. He couldn’t stop staring at the ground, on which the sun was reflecting brilliantly. His heart was beating out of his chest, shocked that he had just admitted that, not only to Richie but to himself.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ He was so busy unknotting the pain in his chest so that he wouldn’t cry that he missed the way Richie’s smile faltered. “Who’s the lucky lady?” The frustration so palpable in the boy’s voice that Eddie’s head shot up with widening eyes, staring at Richie desperately before launching himself into his arms. Because Eddie was scared, he was absolutely terrified, but he was also the bravest person he knew. Soon his lips were against Richie’s and his only thought was ‘so this is what cigarettes taste like…’ He didn’t know how long it took for Richie to kiss back, but it felt like an eternity. Soon, all of that fear and anticipation immediately dissipated when he felt the boy’s hands cupping his face, suddenly kissing back like his life depended on it.  _

He realized his cold fingertips were hovering over his lips. It was like he could feel Richie’s lips burning on his, imprinted forever in his mind and body claiming its place. Richie burned and Eddie was cold. The tears he tasted, his own tears, were frozen like ice. The memory of all those times Richie’ kissed them away tearing at his chest like a claw, deep inside his chest, fixed there for as long as he could remember. Richie was warmth, he was the sun and the feeling of a mother wrapping a blanket around you as a child. Eddie craved that. He longed for the moment he got to feel that warmth again. 

Richie was heat, his skin always seemed to boil. Eddie would joke about him being a werewolf, usually earning a smirk and a snarky comment in return. But it was true, Richie was  _ hot _ . And in more ways than one. His arms, his legs, his smile, the scruffy beard that would frame his jaw when he forgot to shave for a couple of days and the thick black hairs that trailed down his belly button and hid under the hem of his boxers. Eddie had touched them, every single one of them. He had laid his lips on every inch of skin, fingertips against every hair, every crinkle and wrinkle. He had touched Richie where no one had ever touched him before, every mole and freckle. Every pimple Richie had gotten towards the end of his teenage years when the reminiscence of hormonal acne still lingered on his skin that Eddie would normally find repulsive. But he wasn’t grossed out or scared, because he wanted to help Richie; he wanted to heal him. He wanted to fix every tiny flaw that brought him subsequent pain. 

Eddie had touched him in the shower under freshly scrubbed skin, he had touched him over the sweaty veil a sunny day casted upon him, and touched the skin Richie hid under the covers all those days he couldn’t get out of bed. Eddie had helped, wishing he could take in every bit of pain Richie was going through, knowing behind that sweet warm smile there was a deep sadness no one could get rid of. He’d do everything to make it better, switching places with him in a heartbeat if that had ever been an option. 

Richie had touched him everywhere too. Eddie had let him inside his body like no one else had ever before. He let him stretch him open, pull moans out of him. He let himself be vulnerable with Richie. He trusted him with his deepest secrets, his cravings, the ones that felt right on every bit of his body. He had let Richie own him, use his body to his own pleasure, relishing in the feeling of Richie, white and hot and wet dripping down his thighs. He had kept Richie inside him, had let him ruin him until he could barely speak. 

He let Richie split him in half and fill him up as many times as he wanted. Richie broke him and fixed him up a million times. Maybe that was one of the things Eddie had missed: he desperately tried to fix, when in reality all he craved was letting himself be broken. He couldn’t stop the images that flooded his brain, leaning down on the only piece of furniture he owned as he felt the way his soul slowly left his body.    
  
_ He stared at Richie’s naked back hunched over, shoulders fallen, elbows propped up on his knees as his hands held his head up almost as if it would fall off and roll on the floor when he let it go. He was freezing on the bed, breeze softly flowing through the open window as he covered his naked body with a blanket Richie’s mom knitted them for Christmas one year. “Rich, just let it go…” his voice quiet, frustration taking him over.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Richie’s huff was bitter, filled with tears of disappointment. “You won’t cum anymore. What did I do wrong?” He asked, turning his head to face him, avoiding his gaze and clearly holding back tears. This wasn’t one of those times, it wasn’t fun, it wasn’t kinky, there were no gasps, no breathing out each other’s names in want. The air was thick and wet and silent. Silence was unnatural when it came to Richie. Silence was as simple as wrong. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “I’m just stressed about school…” Eddie dismissed, desperately wishing the situation away.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Richie’s huff was louder this time, it froze Eddie in place. “And i’m trying to help you relax but i’m thinking maybe it isn’t just that–” Eddie could feel himself start burning, but there was no heat around them, just utter coldness.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ His quick interruption neared an implosion. “Or maybe we shouldn’t be trying to fix everything with sex!” The words leaving his lips like bullets shut Richie up for a second. Eddie couldn’t even hear him breathe anymore and wondered if he had killed him with that.  _ _  
  
_

_ They were silent. Quiet and cold and burning. Time seemed to stop and it had pegged them in place, seeming to make it clear how loud their thoughts truly were. “It’s not the first time this happened.” Richie muttered and Eddie couldn’t read him. He looked mad, frustrated, disappointed, sad… Everything and nothing at the same time. “What did I do wrong, Eddie?”  _

There it was. 

Something as simple as hearing his name fall from Richie’s lips was enough to break him. Because Richie didn’t use his real name until something was seriously wrong. He managed to expertly avoid it every single day of their lives, ever since they were kids and all through high school. Even when they decided to move in together after graduation and study in the same city, when they got their first apartment together six years ago and drank champagne on the kitchen floor lost in each other’s bodies. He had avoided it when Richie got his film school degree and when Eddie started his residency. He had even avoided it after the argument they had when Richie told Eddie he wanted to pursue acting and become a comedian. Eddie tried to explain to him he needed to think this out, that he would support him no matter what but it wasn’t going to be easy. Richie insisted that he wasn’t being impulsive but it took Eddie a while to wrap his head around the fact that Richie was going to change his career path after four years of effort. Still, they were okay because they loved each other. They loved each other to death and every single time, no matter what, Richie would still call him Eds.    
  
Eddie looked up at the ceiling, the dim white light of the moon shining through the window as he laid on the futon. He felt the pit of his stomach growl in hunger, and his eyes clouded with tears that he couldn’t possibly still have. The only thing he could truly feel was the sweetness of the wine that lingered on his tongue, his empty glass standing up next to the draped blanket on the carpet that fell from his lap. He didn’t think he would ever be a sad drunk but for one fraction of a second he remembered that Amy Winehouse drank herself to death with vodka and wondered if he had enough wine to follow suit. 

Tears clouded his vision and he couldn’t help but think maybe this was how Richie felt without his glasses. Eddie always remembered to grab his glasses even when he had contacts on just in case something happened. Richie couldn’t function without his glasses. One time he lost them and Eddie saw him crumble, tears running down the man’s eyes in desperation. He looked like a child that had lost his mother in a store. Eddie couldn’t help but wonder if Richie was his own pair of glasses, because without him he felt adrift. And that absolutely terrified him. He remembered the morning after he found Richie’s glasses, the night he spent smothered in nothing but love, but was quickly slammed back into reality by the time the day came.    
  
_ Eddie had woken up to the smell of breakfast. He knew exactly what it was, the sweet smell of blueberry cheesecake from Eddie’s favourite restaurant. A gift that was supposed to spread a smile on his face only made him sigh in frustration. The way Richie’s face dropped at the sight wasn’t enough to prepare him for what came next. “What did i do now?” Richie’s words achingly desperate. “I wanted to get you a gift, something nice you know? For what you did for me…”  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “We can’t spend eight dollars on a slice of gourmet cheesecake.” Eddie whispered in frustration as he looked desperately at Richie.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “But you got paid yesterday.”  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “It barely covers the bills, Richie we’re on a budget. Things are tighter now, you know that.” The desperation was evident in Eddie’s voice and Richie’s eyes slowly filled with tears his boyfriend decided to ignore.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “I just wanted to give you a gift.” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ And then, just like that the ball dropped. Eddie was speaking before thinking and it was like breaking something, splitting it in half. “It’s not a gift if you buy it with my money. Money we need to live, money that can barely afford us food every day. Money I make because you quit your job three months ago and I don’t know if we will be able to afford rent anymore because you spend eight dollars on a stupid cheesecake slice and- and your glasses were in your fucking jacket pocket all along!”  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Just like that, Richie stared at him in silence, rage bubbling up in his throat as a silent tear fell down his cheek. And Eddie? Eddie was too proud to apologize even when that implosion that had been teasing them for the past year swiftly melted into an explosion, lifting a wall between him and the man that stood in front of him, staring at him like he didn’t know him anymore.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “Why don’t you break up with me already?” Richie whispered, voice cracking, tearing at Eddie’s chest.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Eddie was speechless, frustration left his body for a second leaving him empty. Something had snapped, something he couldn’t fix anymore. Why didn’t he break up with Richie? They had been like this for a long time, maybe too long. Maybe Eddie didn’t know how to live without Richie. Maybe Eddie was terrified of what a life without him looked like. Maybe Eddie wasn’t sure he’d ever be loved by anyone that wasn’t Richie Tozier. He used to love fairytales as a kid. He’d been waiting patiently for his own Prince Charming for years and now he finally had him. Maybe Eddie didn’t want to believe his prince could be unstable and irresponsible. Princes weren’t addicted to nicotine for a decade, and they sure didn’t go through depressive episodes and identity crises. Princes knew when to talk and when to stop. And princes knew better than to spend eight dollars on a slice of overpriced cheesecake.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ But again Eddie was speechless. He couldn’t pull himself to utter a word. Next thing he knew Richie was out the door. Eddie waited and waited, tears running down his face but Richie didn’t come back. Because while Richie waited for Eddie to leave him he was building up the courage to walk away.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Eddie couldn’t stay there, that place wasn’t theirs anymore, they weren’t together anymore. Eight years washed away as he stared at the slice of cheesecake on a plate that sat there on the bed. The movers came for Richie’s stuff the next day and Eddie left it on the bed where Richie did, he slept on the couch. Soon there was no more trace of Richie around him and the dessert was about to go bad any time soon. He sat down on the floor with a fork in his hand and the plate resting on his lap.  _

_ He devoured it. Every bite brought back a different memory: their first kiss, their first time, Eddie’s eighteenth birthday when they moved away, the first time they said i love you, their first fight. Eddie stuffed every bit and crumb of cheesecake into his mouth as if it would somehow bring Richie back to him, his Richie, the boy he fell in love with all those years ago. He licked his fingers and pushed his tongue flat against the plate, licking it clean until he couldn’t taste him anymore. Three minutes later he was sitting on the bathroom floor, head hovering over the open toilet seat as he spilled his guts into it, sobbing in desperation. It was like every bit of Richie he tried to hold onto fled him before he had time to process it, digest it. He was slipping away from his fingers like butter, rejecting his company like water and oil. The next day he was out of their old home, the one they had built together and into this new white box he now lived in. He couldn’t even pull himself to take the bed.  _ _  
_ _  
_ He had been working extra shifts at the hospital ever since. It had been two weeks and three days since Richie walked out of his life. His sleep schedule was almost nonexistent at this point and he didn’t remember the last time he ate something nutritious. He had always thought that he’d be able to handle himself if anything ever happened between him and Richie, but now that it became a reality he felt nothing but worthless. 

He had the weekend off, much to his own dismay. Because off meant being alone with his thoughts and he ended up drinking his pain away in an empty studio apartment, losing track of time in the darkness of the night. 

Out of nowhere, his phone screen lit up with a notification. The alert was nothing but a Twitter notification but it soon turned into the sound of numbers being dialed, and Eddie now waiting for someone to pick up on the other side of the line.    
  
Eddie didn’t know why, there really was no explanation for why Richie would choose to pick up the phone, but the moment he heard the deep tone of his voice, rough and exhausted Eddie fell apart. Tears bubbled over and he started sobbing, loud and ugly like he had never let himself before. Before, Eddie was calm, collected, cold and calculating but after hearing Richie’s voice he had been torn in half and reduced to tears and Richie still hadn’t hung up. “I’m sorry…” he managed to let out. “I’m sorry please don’t hang up give me five minutes…” he insisted.    
  
Richie didn’t utter a word but he didn’t leave either. The question was still present in the air, holding the line up with its tension.  _ Why don’t you break up with me already? _   
  
“I’m sorry for everything I’ve done, I’m sorry for treating you like you weren’t enough, I’m sorry for always being so harsh on you I thought- I thought- I don’t know what I thought… I just wanted to help, I wanted to fix everything, to fix us, to fix me and our life and I just- I wanted to have a future with you and I fucked it all up and I will never forgive myself because- Because I love you, Richie. I  _ need _ you.” He was drunk, clearly, his rambling going on and on until the silence took over. That stupid fucking silence.   
  
Richie didn’t speak. Eddie could hear his breathing. His thinking. It was as if for the first time they had switched places. When he finally did speak, Eddie wasn’t ready to hear what he had to say. “I was going to ask you to marry me.” Richie’s voice was faint, pain deeply noted in his tone. “But you said that and I realized I was crazy. We couldn’t afford a wedding, I couldn’t give you the life you wanted. And it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Because you’re right, I can’t spend eight dollars on a slice of cheesecake. That is  _ your _ favourite food. I like mac and cheese.” Richie breathed out shakily and Eddie was cold. He was freezing. “I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye, I didn’t think I could handle it...”   
  
Eddie was silent, still staring at the ceiling. “I don’t wanna say goodbye…” He said honestly, because he didn’t want to, he desperately didn’t want Richie to be right.    
  
“We just need time apart.” Eddie wanted to laugh, maybe he did, he wasn’t exactly aware of everything. There just was no way Richie was saying shit like this. Richie was acting like an adult and Eddie’s heart longed because he didn’t want that. He wanted to go back to how things were when they didn’t have responsibilities. He wanted to go back to that time they could spend hours tangled in each other’s embrace.   
  
“How long?”   
  
Richie’s huff almost sobered him up, he was exhausted. “I don’t know, Eds…”   
  
There it was. Richie. That was Richie, the real one. And he was begging Eddie to let him go, through tears and pain and everything. That was the only thing he needed to know this was real. It was happening and he couldn’t stop it, no matter how hard he tried. He could make it worse, or he could just accept it.   
  
“I love you…” Eddie’s whisper seemed to stop his own tears. “Goodbye, Richie.”   
  
“Goodbye, Eds. I love you too.” Was the last thing he heard before the line cut off, falling asleep to the piercing beep that ended it all. He’d never forget what that sounded like.

  
  



End file.
